On Thursdays, I watered the plants. If I didn’t stick to the schedule, it didn’t happen, so, even though I’d just attempted to drink another elf under the table, I dragged out the ladder and filled up the watering can, wondering if I’d won or lost at that little game. He’d chatted up a storm, there’d almost been a smile a few times, and definitely a twinkle in his eye for a good bit.
And that’s where I was, perched precariously on an upper rung, smugly certain that I’d won, even though he seemed to have, too, when ImaMess teleported into the room.
He looked more like his name than ever, his skin blue and scraped up, his head completely bald, and was his eye swelling shut?
“OMG, what happened?” I exclaimed. “Do you need some ice?”
He waved his hand impatiently. “Where’s the hole?”
“Whole what?”
“The space hole!”
“But . . aren’t all holes spaces?”
He glared at me. “I don’t have time for games! You said you knew how to get through the upper limit! A specific location! Where is it?”
“The . . . ooh, did you get the shuttle fixed?”
“. . . uh huh, yeah.”
I was drunk, but not stupid. “Liar. What’s going on?”
“Don’t make me beat it out of you!” He grabbed the other side of the ladder and began shaking it.
I’m not sure what he thought he would accomplish by doing this, because A, I had the high ground, and 2. I had a large metal can in my hand with a good gallon and a half of water in it, which I promptly dropped on his head. He howled and doubled over, pulling heavily on the ladder, which made it tilt precariously. I shrieked and leaned the other way in an attempt to rebalance. I also kicked out, and my toe caught him hard under the chin. He staggered back, but of course the floor was slick with - what else, water - and fell on his ass.
I leapt off the ladder just as it came crashing down into my plant window. It knocked the spider plant out of its hanger, which also landed on him.
“Charlotte, no!” I cried. “Why would you do a thing like that?”
“You don’t know what’s at stake!” he choked out, struggling to get to his feet. Only now he had to contend with a dented watering can, still trickling water, a ladder, about twelve pounds of dirt, much of which was turning to mud, an equally heavy, broken ceramic planter, and the most gloriously fertile fronds of a previously happy, ten year old spider plant. It hardly seemed worth mentioning three of my tiny-yet-spiky cacti plants had also been knocked over, but since at least one of them had pierced his skin and was sticking out of the top of his head like a super punk little hat, I felt proud of their valor.
I had plenty of time to pull out my viewer and ban him from the property. Then, swearing profusely, I texted Rowan and Mike.
Rowan arrived immediately. “Where is he? Are you hurt?”
“I’m fine! I banned him! But what was that all about?”
“He attacked Bryce, wanting data off a device.”
“What? I’m gonna find him and kick his ass again!”
Rowan stared at the mess by the window. “It seems you do need a guardian.”
“This was a first!” I reached over and hauled the ladder upright, cursing under my breath as I saw the window had cracked. Rowan came over to help, stepping cautiously over poor Charlotte. “He wanted to know where my space hole was, very badly.”
“Not money, then? You must warn your friends, and the wizard, too. I did not tell them about him, but he may find out anyway. He might go after them, next.”
“Who’s the boss here, now?”
“You gave me no tasks, so I must make my own,” he answered sternly. “I am now responsible for the safety of you and your friends.”
“I . . . I was teasing,” I stammered. I didn’t really want him to revert back to the Rowan I’d first met, but now that I knew he was on my side, I kind of liked it. “Look, we’ve got our own ways to protect ourselves. You shouldn’t have to be fighting at all.”
“You have wards?”
“ . . . The equivalent, yes. We call it blocking, or banning.”
“Then do so, as it seems we have now made an enemy.”
I nodded in agreement, and began writing out a text message. “I suppose there’s one good thing about all this,” I told him.
“What could that be?”
“We’re no longer the hottest messes here.”
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